Discover Comfort in the Uncertainty: Infertility Counselors Provide Welcome Support on the Roller Coaster of Infertility

Infertility is a devastating and painful reality for all too many couples who dreamed of having children. Difficulty conceiving children can put a significant mental strain on couples, often leaving them feeling overwhelmed, alone, and helpless. Although the personal experience of infertility varies widely from person to person and based on specific circumstances, reliable social support is a critical factor to successfully navigating the challenges of infertility to find relief and peace. Compassionate and knowledgeable infertility counselors are a great option to receive such essential support on the path of infertility. These mental health professionals, many of whom have personally experienced the anguish of infertility, possess specialized training and awareness to adequately address the complex impact of infertility on individuals and couples; they also possess passion for accompanying and guiding others going through infertility and creating a warm space to help their clients feel seen in their pain. Through a therapy process that is customized to their particular needs, individuals and couples can experience relief, receive customized support and new perspectives, and begin to find peace and hope again in life again. Join me as I explore how infertility counselors can play an important role in helping you to find stability in the midst of the ups and downs of your infertility journey. 

The Emotional and Mental Toll of Infertility

Experiencing difficulties with getting pregnant is a significant challenge for many couples that can be difficult to navigate and comprehend. The absence of a child or multiple children that could have existed fundamentally changes a couple’s future and often prompts strong emotional anguish that I would classify as grief. Although less tangible than other forms of loss, such as the death of an adult child or the death of a baby in a miscarriage or in infant loss, infertility is the loss of children that existed in a couple’s hopes, dreams, and expectations, who would otherwise exist if not for the barriers to their fertility. There are many ways that a couple may encounter infertility, including but not limited to expected infertility or unexpected infertility, medically explained or unexplained infertility, and primary infertility (infertility experienced without prior children) or secondary infertility (infertility experienced after previous successful pregnancies). Different couples may also experience other significant differences in their path with infertility, including varying durations (months or many years), medical treatment journeys, and degrees of medical invasiveness, financial strain, and relational strain. 

The emotional reaction to infertility is complex and often overwhelming, manifesting in many different ways depending on the person and the unique circumstances of infertility the couple is encountering. However, a common experience for couples facing infertility is the “roller coaster” of emotions, particularly between hope and despair as they try to conceive. Due to the cyclical nature of a woman’s fertility, couples often experience hope leading up to another opportunity to conceive and discouragement and despair after finding out again that they have not gotten pregnant that month. Couples often also experience the emotional ups and downs of infertility when moving through different seasons of their infertility and through different treatments, finding more hope and encouragement at times and more despair when the reality of their infertility sets in or a particular treatment does not work as hoped. 

There are many common emotions that are a part of the grief of infertility. Confusion or shock often happens when a couple was not aware of any fertility issues before trying to conceive and were expecting to get pregnant within a relatively short amount of time. Discouragement and disappointment may occur when a couple receives a negative pregnancy test, a treatment does not lead to a hoped-for breakthrough, a medical provider proves to be unhelpful, or when others get pregnant but they don’t. Many couples experience anxiety and stress in the wake of the uncertainty about their medical situation and the likelihood of conceiving a child, devastation, depression, or despair when their chances of conceiving prove unlikely or impossible, or helpless when they feel stuck in their infertility or left behind when others have kids without them. Other common emotions with infertility include anger at the situation, one’s spouse, God, or other people, stress and fatigue with treatments and efforts to conceive, and a sense of failure or guilt for being “responsible” for the infertility. 

These emotions are an understandable and natural reaction to infertility and it is important for affected individuals to let themselves acknowledge their own emotions non-judgmentally. Infertility counselors can help individuals and couples navigate the ups and downs of infertility, cope with accompanying anxiety and depression, grieve and navigate the sense of injustice, and decrease unhelpful self-blame. Although there are many ways in which people cope with infertility, many find consolation in speaking with a professional who can assist and accompany them. Working with infertility counselors can help individuals and couples explore their emotions and express, navigate, and regulate them in healthy ways. 

The Disenfranchised Grief and Social Isolation of Infertility

On top of the primary emotional response to infertility, external social silence and misunderstanding surrounding infertility often compounds emotional distress, creating the conditions for what I call a “disenfranchised grief,” that is, a kind of loss that is not understood or recognized by many. Interactions in relationships, communal dynamics, and societal attitudes toward infertility often lead people with infertility to feel that their pain is misunderstood or minimized– by society overall and by those around them, including family members, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. Loved ones or acquaintances may avoid the uncomfortable topic all together leading to isolation, overspiritualize the loss (implying that you should not be upset because “it’s God’s will”), or say hurtful things (“at least you don’t have to deal with screaming, messy kids”). Spiritual and cultural communities, such as churches, can emphasize the beauty of parenthood, but may also unintentionally increase the pain experienced with infertility and lead to greater perceived isolation, spiritual abandonment (“my church and God have abandoned me”), and identity confusion (“who am I if not a wife and mother?”). And as a whole, American society tends to discourage openly expressed difficult emotions or emotions that are prolonged beyond what time range is arbitrarily expected for such a personal tragedy. 

Consequently, many people with infertility feel isolated, sensing either that people or organizations around them don’t care about their suffering or “don’t get” what it’s like dealing with infertility month after month, year after year. Often they feel angry that relationships that they expected and hoped would support them are absent, not sensitive, or hurtful. Such individuals with infertility might also wonder if something is wrong with them in struggling with their emotions so much, leading to personal feelings of shame and inadequacy. The lack of open dialogue about the impact of infertility within relationships, communities, and society often makes it challenging to seek the support that is crucial for long-term wellbeing. Understanding the profound impact of infertility and recognizing the legitimacy of its grief-related emotions is vital in fostering a compassionate and supportive environment for those who have experienced such suffering. Infertility counselors play a unique role in promoting and advocating for this kind of awareness and helpful infertility support in communities and society, as well as in creating an empathetic and safe environment within therapy. 

The Role of Infertility Counselors

Infertility counselors provide a unique and helpful service and role in addressing the underserved needs of people navigating infertility. In therapy, individuals and couples can process their emotions in a healthy way, receive helpful skills and perspectives, and rediscover peace and hope, no matter what the future has in store for their fertility. First and foremost, infertility counselors provide a sensitive, comforting, and validating space for individuals and couples to express themselves, feel seen, understood, and cared for, and receive helpful guidance. They fundamentally validate the difficulty of infertility and normalize the emotions they are navigating and help their clients to experience the healing remedy of helpful social support that they are not receiving in their relationships, workplaces, churches, and other social settings. 

Infertility counselors provide personalized feedback to help individuals and couples cope with infertility, offering tools and strategies by tapping into their extensive professional education and clinical training. This professional guidance may include psychoeducation on the mental health realities of infertility, instruction on healthy emotional regulation and coping strategies, challenging and reframing unhelpful thought patterns, and specific feedback on relationship dynamics, marital intimacy, or spirituality. Additionally, infertility counselors can facilitate healing from the wounds that come from disrupted identity (who am I if not a father/mother?) and purpose (what am I doing with my life that is important?) that infertility causes or exacerbates. Clarifying and strengthening one’s identity and life’s purpose in the face of infertility helps individuals to better adapt to infertility in the long term. 

Ultimately, infertility counselors help individuals and couples to navigate the complexities of their experience of infertility by both honoring their experiences and rebuilding their lives, aiding them in finding a path forward to relief, meaning in suffering, hope, and purpose in their lives. 

Types of Therapy for Infertility

Infertility counselors offer several types of therapy that can help individuals and couples when navigating infertility. One common type is grief counseling. This type of therapy focuses on the realities of grief, including the progression of grief over time, emotions, common challenges faced while grieving, and healthy approaches to grief.  Infertility counselors using grief counseling apply therapeutic grief frameworks, such as balancing and oscillating between grieving and adjusting to present reality, to the specific loss of children through infertility. They provide a space for individuals and couples to express their experience and feelings, process their grief, and find healthy ways to cope with their loss of a child or children that have not come to be. 

Another effective type of therapy offered by infertility counselors in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which identifies and reframes unhelpful thought patterns related to infertility and explores behavioral patterns to reduce emotional distress. Through CBT, individuals and couples can learn to challenge and reframe their own thoughts, a process which promotes a more balanced and compassionate perspective. This is especially true when individuals internalize their infertility experience, allowing it to negatively impact their view of themselves, their relationship, and the world. CBT also promotes healthy coping behaviors and natural emotional regulation strategies, such as journaling, spending time in nature, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation. 

The emotional distress of miscarriage and differing reactions to infertility within a couple can strain a relationship and exacerbate existing relational issues. Infertility counselors offering couples counseling help couples to grieve their infertility together more effectively and to address relational conflict and disconnect. Couples therapy for infertility utilizes interventions from grief counseling and other modalities, particularly couples counseling modalities such as the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. In couples counseling, couples receive assistance with expressing their emotions and experiences of infertility with each other, supporting each other and attuning to each other, improving communication patterns, rekindling intimacy (especially when it has become regimented when trying to conceive), and deepening the friendship within their relationship. 

Christian therapy can also be beneficial for individuals and couples grieving a infertility, particularly for spiritual and religious clients who would like to incorporate Christian faith into their therapy. Infertility counselors offering this kind of therapy utilize clinical therapeutic modalities and interventions like grief counseling and CBT, but infuse it with Christian spirituality which is compatible and complimentary. Potential interventions in Christian counseling include comforting prayer in session, addressing negative thought patterns present in clients’ spiritual life, and utilizing affirming Scriptures and spiritual readings that enhance therapy. This kind of therapy helps individuals and couples to wrestle with questions and confusion about their suffering in light of their faith, process their natural emotions (even toward God), and find more meaning and purpose in their suffering and loss. By cultivating healthy spirituality, people with infertility can develop greater resilience, allowing them to navigate their grief with greater ease and adjustment.

Additionally, group infertility support, such as counselor-lead group infertility therapy or peer-lead infertility support groups, can be helpful for individuals and couples navigating infertility. Group support offers the opportunity to connect with others who have also experienced infertility. The community built and experienced in infertility groups can be incredibly validating, as participants learn they are not alone in their suffering. Sharing stories with other group members, learning from each other, and supporting each other can build hope and combat isolation. For some individuals, hearing others’ emotions and struggles in a group may be difficult or sharing in a group setting may be uncomfortable, especially when the pain of infertility is still fresh or intensely painful; in these cases, individual therapy may be a better fit, because it offers a more personalized approach focused on specific needs with less external emotional triggers. Both individualized and group support have their unique benefits and considerations and some individuals may find one or the other, or a combination of the two, to be most helpful. 

Finding the Best Infertility Counselor for You

If you have decided to pursue therapy to help you navigate infertility, reviewing potential infertility counselors and picking the one who is the best fit for you is a crucial step forward. It is important to choose a therapist who has specialized experience with infertility and who “gets” you. You may find potential infertility counselors by searching online, using online therapist directories, or seeking recommendations from healthcare providers, support groups, loved ones, or professional organizations related to infertility or therapy. When selecting from among infertility counselors, consider their qualifications, experience, and their approach to therapy. It may be helpful to schedule an initial consultation to get a sense of their style and determine if they feel like a good fit (I offer free phone consultations with potential clients for this very reason!). During an initial consultation, ask questions about the therapist's experience with infertility, their approach to therapy, and their availability for sessions, and pay attention if you feel comfortable with them and if it feels like they understand what you’re going through! 

You Deserve Comfort, Peace, Hope, and Joy

Coping with infertility and finding a path forward, especially when infertility remains unresolved, can be a challenging journey that is going to be unique to each person. Although not everyone needs to seek an infertility counselor for professional support (some may seek social support and coping strategies on their own), many individuals and couples can benefit from their specialized personalized mental health services and from simply having someone who “gets it” and walks alongside them. Infertility counselors can help you to process your emotions, develop coping strategies, discover new perspectives, and find renewed peace, joy, and identity and purpose in your life. If you feel overwhelmed by your path with infertility and the emotions you’re experiencing, or you want to have a sensitive, caring professional who is in your corner no matter what you’re experiencing, infertility counselors may be a great fit for you and I encourage you to look the one who is the best fit for you. 

Ready to seek support from an infertility counselor who not only has professional expertise with infertility therapy but also “gets it” from personal experience with infertility? Click the button below to learn more about my Infertility Therapy services!