Are you currently single but thought that you would be married and have kids by now? Have you been single for an extended period of time and find yourself getting older without a relationship— let alone marriage— in sight? Or were you in a long term relationship or multiple relationships before, only now to find yourself single when you never expected to be? Have you prayed for a vocation to marriage and family, only to feel like your prayers have gone unanswered? Do you find yourself feeling lost, alone, worried, depressed, or trapped in being single when you dreamed and expected that you would be married by now?

If this sounds familiar, I am sorry that you are navigating the difficult, hidden grief of being single not by choice. Have you ever thought about your experience of being single as a loss that can and should be grieved? We often tend to think about grief in the context of bereavement— grieving the death of a loved one. Although that is the most commonly understood form of grief, we grieve many things that no longer exist or will never come to be. Is it not true that you sense and miss the absence of a spouse and/or children in your life, similar to how you would if they would have been in your life but then died? Similar to the hidden grief of infertility, as a grief therapist, I would call this kind of loss in being single a “prospective grief,” or a grief of things that have not yet happened or may not happen. Although the spouse and kids that you are grieving were/are a dream and hope in your mind and heart, your loss of those relationships is still very much valid.

As a result of this loss that you perceive, you may experience difficult and painful emotions which we would call grief. Maybe you find yourself feeling sad, devastated, or hopeless because your life lacks full purpose and meaning and the fruition of your dreams. Perhaps you feel anxious, uncertain, scared, or trapped because it feels like there might not be an end to this suffering. Maybe you feel left behind, jealous, tired, or like a failure because this is your fault or you “should have done more.” Perhaps you even feel angry at God for allowing this to happen to you, at people in the dating pool for not being great dating material, at your exes, or at the world in general. You may relate with some or all of these emotions, or you might feel other grief-related emotions in response to still being single.

In addition to the emotional response that you may experience directly from being single, you may find that being single leads to additional challenges in your life (secondary losses). Perhaps you feel lonely and like you don’t have a place within the Church, because it tends to focus on families with children and couples and because you feel like you no longer belong in “young adult” ministries. Maybe you also feel left behind with friends and family, who are busy with kids, spending time with their spouses, or don’t spend time with you like they used to. Perhaps you’ve grown to hate the questions from loved ones and coworkers about when you’re going to find a boyfriend/girlfriend, get married, and have kids and might hate that people don’t know what to ask about when they see you and that you don’t know what to tell them when they ask what’s new. And maybe, you’ve been successful in other aspects of your life, like your career or fitness, but it’s tainted by that huge void of not having a spouse and/or kids.

I see you in your often overlooked and misunderstood pain and suffering. I see that for you, being single for this long or at this point of your life, feels like a heavy burden and you wish more than anything for that pain to be solved and to go away. I believe— more than anything— that you need your grief and suffering to be seen, understood, and acknowledged as valid. You deserve to have people in your circles who “get it” and can accompany you when it’s hard to carry on by yourself and you’re feeling isolated in the pain. I get it, because I’ve accompanied many other people just like you in therapy who find it so comforting and helpful to have someone like that in their corner, as they either seek balance between seeking the vocation (i.e. dating) and finding peace and meaning in their life right now, or seek peace and acceptance in closing the dating chapter.

If you think you could benefit from accompaniment like that from a grief expert and are a resident of Ohio, I invite you to learn more about my singles therapy services to see if it’s a good fit for your needs. In singles therapy, I strive to help my clients feel supported and better prepared to navigate the ups and downs of being single, so they walk away from therapy feeling less lonely, more hopeful, and more at peace, no matter whether a relationship is right around the corner or if they continue to remain single. Know that I am praying for you and rooting for you in your own journey of being single not by choice!

Edward Luersman, MA, LPCC lives in Central Ohio with his wife Kate and is owner and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor at Blessed Are They Grief Counseling LLC. As a Catholic and mental health counselor, his specialty and passion is supporting Catholic (and other) individuals and couples throughout Ohio experiencing the hidden grief of infertility, pregnancy loss, infant loss, or being single through online therapy. You may learn more about him here and contact him here.